So it’s been a hard month for me, I have had to endure 2 emotionally taxing issues at the same time. On the one hand and on a very personal matter, I fell in love, on the other hand and professionally, I fell in hate. Now here is how it all happened
Remember serendipity; the random sequence of events that puts a situation together? Well the way I fell in love was serendipitous. I have had feelings for this person for a while, albeit, I kept them at bay for very practical reasons. But your mind can only fool your heart sometimes, the rest of the time, all the convincing in the world cannot stop it from wanting what it wants. Here I was a seemingly innocent by stander playing God to my emotions thinking I could forego the ‘love’ part and maintain a friendly existence with a person whose life interested me deeply. I found myself on the phone with this guy daily exchanging more than just pleasantries and actually being concerned about his personal welfare. It was not my fault that somehow I came across a communication device that made this easier.
Next thing I knew, on an innocent Saturday night at the movies I was basking in 100% of his time while trying to ignore him at the same time and fell head over heels in love with him. Or was I always head over heels in love with him just in denial? Enter Sunday and this wonderful man decides to dictate to the world that he has found someone else… my thinking was that as he fell for this other woman, I felt that concentrated aura of his affections seep into my system and it just stuck.
In spite of my efforts I could not shrug off the feelings of despair and I told him this. I shared that no matter how much a ‘friend’ he was to me, I could not bear the scars of his constant appraisal of this other woman and you know it’s real when the man is constantly singing songs of praise for your in a public forum, so I cut him off.
At the same time, on my professional side, I work as the editor of a magazine that I just love to create ideas for, it’s me on paper. I put together concepts and images for articles (with the assistance of a graphic designer of course) to tell a story. My idea is always to make the images captivating and for the story to start and finish, be factual and true and easy to read.
Enter my boss. This young man, false idealist with a self proclaimed flair of ‘creativity’ who thinks he knows everything and has very little to no appreciation for his staff and their input into the magazine; who wants us to make ‘his’ decisions. He steps on my toes and keeps back handing me for taking too much ownership of the magazine. He berates me for setting schedules that are too hard for him to follow and deadlines he feels are impossible to meet. He does not understand my timelines or why I set them and refuses to let me try a concept he does not understand or agree with.
He used group force to try to sway me and has given me false freedom by ‘allowing’ me agree to his decisions.
I hate this man, I loathe his very existence. It takes severe meditation and self control to keep calm around him. I avoid eye contact for fear that he will see the burning desire to pluck his eyes out when he looks at me. I distrust him completely. He has angered me so much that my entire chemistry of existence has changed. I no longer give off positive energy and have snapped at my parents far too often to count. My level of patience has dropped, my quality of sleep has slacked and I am tired all the time.
So every day for the past 30 days, I am both heartbroken and livid. My blood is boiling from love lost and pure hatred gained. I am quitting the job once I have produced a work of art so beautiful it will make him hate me even more. Then I will walk away, satisfied with myself. All I want to do is focus on healing, but the cuts are deep.
My would-be lover cut me, singing praise for her. This lucky woman who had to decide if she wanted the man of my dreams because she is so great she has a choice between him and another lover is keeping me from being happy for the first time in 3 years. And this job that has gotten me great recognition and appraisal from everyone (but the love of my life) or my boss and is keeping me from being happy because this man who thinks he knows and can do better is gnawing at me.
Interestingly and in both scenarios, neither man has looked at me and appreciated me at all.
In spite of this, I still look pretty in the mirror (this is an important point) because it means I still have some self appreciation. I smile everyday because the world is still funny and I find joy in it. I stay strong; because I have other personal goals and dreams I have yet to aspire to. I shed very few if any tears, because I am too busy fighting anger to grieve my would-be lover. I am hopeful that great things will come, because everyone I know has told me that I have much to look up to. I look to overcome this mountain of emotions; because there is no way that I am going through this… shit, for nothing.