I recently had a coffee with my really good friend during which I let it be known that I wanted to pursue these abs I’ve wanted since I was 19 years old. To which he responded ‘would you let a 20 year old tell you what to do?’ I had no arguments against it although I was confused, what did the one topic have to do with the other? Well it was simple; he alluded to the fact that I was still hanging onto my 19year old self’s dreams.
This sent me on a 2 week thought journey and an eventual brain fart. As my mind exploded, I was catapulted to just pure joy as a question I had asked myself in reverse ten years earlier came back to me. “If you could go back in time, what would you tell your younger self?”
At 19, I had just started university; I was an unhappy pre 20 year old holding onto a pipe dream of being a doctor. I was convinced that my grades were too poor to get me into the Ivy League schools I so badly wanted to attend. During that time, my 19th year of existence, I wished to meet my 29 year old self hoping that such a meeting would inspire me to work hard and dig deep to get to THAT ultimate goal of being a great doctor. I knew THEN that I was sure to get to that win because I always got what I wanted. In addition to: being married, having kids as well as that Killer body and a sports medal. (Yeah, I had big dreams).
But now, having really thought about it, I realized that had such a meeting happened I would have died with disappointment and probably committed suicide for failure (which I feared back then). I would have never listened to all the things I had to say to my 19 year old self about life lessons, facing fears and appreciating all the achievements I have had thus far because who I am now and what I have are not in any way what I wanted back then. All I would have seen is a poor excuse of me trying to justify why I am not a doctor and overlooking everything else.
In retrospect, I was a much too focused young woman who watched in pain as ‘others’ (my peers) made it to what they wanted to be. In all earnest I had not tried, I never actually applied for a scholarship; I had no idea how and never asked. I never applied to any Ivy League schools because I had already given up on myself as well as my abilities to get there. I just put up a front to get me through what I felt my sub standard self deserved: a third world degree from a 3rd world university worth nothing (which is how I felt about my first degree until just now). Sad, because my parents were very proud of me and thought I was awesome.
Now, I am of a very different opinion (brain fart/ explosion=Joy). Yes I did not become a doctor BUT I can get a PhD and become a doctor anyway, a doctor in philosophy in a subject matter that would make me an actual expert in the area of study!!! I do actually have years and years of experience over my peers who did medicine. They may have highly evolved brain matter and sit amongst the top 10 percentile of intelligence but they have experience in only one area… I have more than 4!! I wanted to be married with children BUT being in a relationship with my personality would hold me back. I would refuse to bend or see an opportunity to move towards further development without my spouse or children, now though; I see a path or at least the ability to try to make things happen for me. I actually know HOW to apply for a scholarship now and soon will. I wanted a tattoo, but given my rather one track minded self; I would NEVER have seen the opportunity to actually get one. I would argue against it; research has taught me to go forth and seek an answer and guest what, I can get one. I always thought I would fail in business BUT now, I know I can survive and actually make a buck from almost nothing. I have travelled almost everywhere in Southern African and Canada which is a fraction of where I would have gone in the first world (can you really compare Paris France to Cape Town?) BUT the truth is; I went and I’ve been all over. But the most refining moment of this explosion, the most important and that I see a value in me that is more than I have ever seen ever in years, value in my personal perception, in myself worth and an ever growing self love.
I guess what I am saying is that I am happy with myself. And finally, I can truly say, I love being me.