I scoff at my feelings when they come poking their ugly heads at me. The negative ones that make me feel sad, down trodden and down right rotten on a perfectly good day. I already have a lot to deal with though having to fight off pokes at my heart. The other day, finally full of pressure and unable to cope, I broke down in public. I cried like a child, mopping off tears trying to sound strong and stable on the phone with my broken voice. Red and just very unhappy. So many things were happening and I was not handling myself well.
Something about crying that makes life a little clearer. I have a problem and I am going to deal with it. Maybe here, maybe now, maybe later. My intention is to over come this little hurdle and move on. As my coach said to me last night, I must sit still, perhaps in the silence whispering, is my answer.
The problem, I realize is linked to me aging. I am a good 4 years past a deadline I set myself to get married and 3 years late for my ‘have babies’ deadline. AS i aged, I realized that life does not actually work like that. In life, the only things you can really plan out are your educational and career goals. The romance cycle, IF you ever meet ‘The one’ that is a game of chance. Maybe I have not let this sink in, this is why I am so hung up on this one guy. sigh*
I realize that perhaps, where I am, the men feel they cannot support me and my needs, therefore my ‘ideal’ partner is not HERE, where I am. Another factor is something I preach; at 30 I am not too old to find someone, to settle or to start. I am old when I feel old. Which brings me to my final bone of contention, can I now just start believing in me?