I have these highly sexual urges sometimes. I have no idea why. I have no pre-conceived notion of what actually happens between two people in an intimate setting. I feel like, giving life. I am very envious at this moment of every and all women out there who have birthed. No idea who this baby is… but she is gorgeous
I wonder often if I should hang the shroud of religion, run from the safe-house of health and just do it. Have unprotected sex, fall pregnant and just have that unplanned baby. I am getting old and the idea of being ‘safe’, or appearing in ‘good terms’, all dictations of what society wants from me are begging to lose their place in the site of my desperation to have children or a child.
My parents are aging and I have seen that relationships do not work for me as I am way to literal to have ‘false promises; dished my way and too old fashioned to bare the brunt of minor disrespect even if it happens that ‘one time’ in the name of having ‘a partner’. the horrors of having to fight that off just to gain some ground having allowed someone to mistreat me even once would be hard to live off.
yet here I stand, a single woman not near any relationships in need of a child. Shall I one night stand it or have an ‘agreement’ with a ‘friend’? Have this ‘pity baby’ and move on with my life?
This is the debate I am having with myself right now: Me or society?