I don’t think I love my parents enough. And this breaks my heart.

I wince when they call because I know that they will ask me for a favour. Not that they do not deserve to have their every wish granted, but it’s such a chore. I ONLY have the 2 of them. If I were to lose even half my parents, I would die.

But it’s such a chore. I have done more for people I do not care for, then I can imagine having done for my parents. This truth makes me sad. I often listen to my siblings harp about wanting to do more with their lives so that they can pay it back to my parents, but in focusing on their careers, they are pushing them further away.

They only want the less-material love my siblings get from their children. The various conversations, the hugs and kisses. The smiles and to see them happy. Parents want very little.

How can we begin to imagine, that the just payback for awesome parenting is material? Can you really, buy them a house to say thank you for loving me? A house, 4 cold brick walls as opposed to a simple hug as a show of affection?

Every night, my dad just wants his feet pressed, it’s a hard chore for me. So hard, yet, the other day, I pressed with much love, the feet of my man who cannot take me out on a date. I can see the signs of aging in every fibre of their beings. I need them to stop working and start living. They have sacrificed so much, yet so much of us is dependent on them. It is a flaw in our upbringing, but, it is our upbringing. We have been so close to them that our every action depends on their moods.

Yet simple requests like; make me a cup of tea, bring me a glass of water, please serve for me, comb my hair, carry this for me are so hard. I see my siblings carry these out daily for their children, and I don’t understand why they cannot see their parents reflected in the roles. They too shall see a role reversal. There will come a time when the parents will be like children. And when that time comes, will we really be able to care for them, as they did for us?

I don’t think I love my parents enough. And it breaks my heart