Its been some months. The writers block has set in. Caked my creative juices. Tums out, that was not the only dry spell I was under.
Over the Christmas holidays, I had the pleasure of spending unencumbered time with the man. 4 straight days, 24hrs uninterrupted quality time. It was during these days that it became very apparent to both of us, that I was very out of touch with my sensual side.
I was distant, I had no feelings, I experienced no pleasure from him. This was very unusual as I am an extremely sensual person (Even if I generally do not indulge in sex). I was especially worried when after a whole night of foreplay, I felt absolutely no arousal, In fact, I was as numb to him as I may be to my own brother.
I needed a rescue, so I called a friend.
After a short heart to heart, she pulled out of me the most extraordinary explanation for my numbness. I mean, yes, its all me and all in my head, all emotionally fueled and all purely psychological. But, the reason behind it all is the guilt of feeling any kind of joy with someone else.
Finally I find love and happiness and attached firmly to this is guilt…and fear. The fear is natural, but this unusual dose is connected to severe anger and resentment towards my sisters who had disappointed me gravely FROM THEIR OWN SEXUAL ESCAPADES. And from this, the fear that I too would venture down that same road. This ruined my sensuality.
I have not allowed myself to be aroused because I am both mad at my sisters and afraid that I may end up like them. What’s worse is that my mother said that I was going to.
I have become the opponent or love, sex and affection. I cant believe I have waited so long to counter what I have waited so long for. This begs the question, what next? If i do not let go of my fears, I may as well be alone. Leave that man to find someone to love as I wonder the planet alone. Or deal, get over those issues as they are not mine. Live my OWN life and make my own mistakes.
I just cant seem to find the cure though. That one word that will break the mental spell that has lead me to this state of mind. The moment when I say I am not them… seeing as, I don’t believe it at all. This moment…